Hey Magic players! Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a Magic card designer?
Well, through the amazing powers of Parody and Satire come these transcriptions of Definitely Actual conversations between designers on Magic’s latest expansion, Aetherdrift. Enjoy!
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INT. WOTC HQ – DAY
An hallowed elysium of ideas. Knowledge flows in the air. Every interaction is meaningful and often generates a token. We see Human Employees, Human Artificers, Human Advisors, Human Gamers, Human Mercenaries, Human Drones, Human Spellshapers, and Human Processors.
Human Designers and Head Designers, while not yet recognized creature types, move among them. It is they who imagineer the cards.
***
Head Designer – Is that the new Loot card? How’s it coming?
Designer – I just gave it like six abilities that all sounded good. Double Strike, Lightning Bolt, whatever.
Head Designer – That’s the way to make a card. What about balance? Any problematic combos or anything jump out to you?
Designer – You can use Deadeye Navigator to make infinite mana, then just kill your opponents. Or draw your deck first, in case they want to try and stop you. But I can’t see that being a problem, or any other combos with this card because of Loot’s already overwhelming popularity with players.
Head Designer – I love that. Make sure it has haste. We want this thing to be extra fun to play against in Commander. Wait… is it both green and blue?
Designer – Of course. And a third colour! Whatever colour makes Lightning Bolt. …Did we already say blue?
Head Designer – Don’t bother testing it, just send it to the printer. What else you got?
Designer – Check out this Nissa.
Head Designer – What were you thinking here?
Designer – What if we took all the time and effort everyone spent trying to balance the mana in the game and chucked it right out the window?
Head Designer – Perfect. We will never print an effective way to interact with energy.
Designer – (puppy eyes) Can we also make it so that someone’s Speed can never be lowered?
Head Designer – Look who’s taking the initiative! Better make one meme card that’s barely playable. Make it cost like 5 mana or something.
Designer – (solemnly) That’s literally the best we can do.
Head Designer – (taken aback) I see a promotion in your future.
Designer – Better not get too far ahead, they’ll send the spiky blue shell after me, lol.
Head Designer – (awkwardly) Lol.
Designer – …
Head Designer – …
Designer – …Did I just see a little camera drone duck behind that cubicle???
Head Designer – I… have to go send a quick email to Waluigi in finance… (runs)
***
Junior Designer – Draconautics Engineer! Cool! Cool Dinosaur Dragon token! …No reason for the Dinosaur type mentioned anywhere on the card. That must be something to do with this set’s lore.
Senior Designer – Yeah this set’s all about lore. We use things like tokens to tell a story.
Junior Designer – Oh wow, Biker Chandra! Chandra’s bike must be super cool!
Senior Designer – We’ve created a Generic Vehicle token.
Junior Designer – No abilities? Mediocre stats? Not Legendary? No cool name?
Senior Designer – Yes.
Junior Designer – This is the perfect opportunity for that. Oh wow, Mu Yanling and her totally bespoke little magic boat!
Senior Designer – We feel the ideal token here is the Generic Vehicle.
Junior Designer – Also perfect! And then we’ll probably only need one kind of Zombie token…
Senior Designer – Hold on there.
***
Designer – I’m worried we’re sending some mixed messages having both Mounts and Vehicles. New players are probably going to be confused by one being a sorcery speed activation, and what’s a creature when, and why you can’t just mount any Horse in the game.
Head Designer – Mounts and Vehicles are things that go. Zoom zoom. Did you put wheels on the Goblins?
Designer – Okay but, did we even need Mounts? Are we expected to believe the Dog or the Possum is going to keep up with the Rocket Car?
Head Designer – Dogs and Possums are traditional racing animals.
Designer – You made a Sloth Mount.
Head Designer – You can mount the Possum with it.
Designer – That’s….
Head Designer – You can also mount it with the Rocket Car.
Designer – …At sorcery speed.
Head Designer – That’s the speed a Rocket Car should mount a Possum. It’s not instant.
Designer – …
Head Designer – We already went through this once. Players will know how to properly mount a Possum from playing Thunder Junction. This is Magic the Gathering, for pete’s sake!
***
Clever Designer – Okay, so it’s March of the World Ooze, right…?
Savvy Designer – Yes. Ooze march. In solidarity, probably.
Clever Designer – Do Oozes march? Don’t they… ooze?
Savvy Designer – Then it would be Ooze of the World Ooze. That’s stupid. We only make cards with serious names, like Burnout Bashtronaut or Rocketeer Boostbuggy.
Clever Designer – Yes of course. Marching makes additional sense because this is a driving set.
Savvy Designer – Serious cards that make sense. That’s what we make.
Clever Designer – So the Ooze card turns all your other cards into Oozes, then what?
Savvy Designer – What do you think?
(Beat. Clever Designer thinks hard.)
Clever Designer – Makes an elephant token whenever your opponent casts a spell?
Savvy Designer – Obviously.
Clever Designer – It was obvious.
Savvy Designer – While we’re on the subject, want to see the Seal Pirate card I designed?
Clever Designer – Like you had to ask! I’m a racing fan!
***
Assistant Designer – Do you think we’re overusing cycling?
Associate Designer – You know what we’re not overusing? Sexy frog statues.
Assistant Designer – I saw the artwork! Did you get the sexy frog mechanic approved?
Associate Designer – No word yet. I think it might have got lost in all the Bloomburrow fanfiction I sent them.
Assistant Designer – Yeah it’ll be tough to find in all those.
Associate Designer – Did you read any of them yet?
(Beat)
Assistant Designer – …I mean, we just did cycling in Modern Horizons 3, Duskmourne, March of the Machines…
***
Junior Designer – So it’s a Pilot.
Senior Designer – Yes.
Junior Designer – Does it pilot the Vehicles?
Senior Designer – No it crews them.
Junior Designer – Who pilots them?
Senior Designer – Nobody.
Junior Designer – But a Pilot is the only one that can crew them.
Senior Designer – No, anyone can. Even a crewed Vehicle.
Junior Designer – That checks out. Does this Pilot also interact with Mounts?
Senior Designer – Yes, it saddles them.
Junior Designer – Isn’t that a… (checking job titles index) …saddler’s job? Or a groom? Or even a tanner?
Senior Designer – Those are not appropriate Magic jobs. This is a fantasy card game. Imagine a Brushwagg saddler: preposterous. Actually don’t imagine it, that might make it fantasy and then we’d have to acknowledge it.
Junior Designer – Didn’t we do a Vampire Groom?
Senior Designer – That wasn’t a job and getting married is nothing like riding a possum into battle.
Junior Designer – So only Pilots can saddle, then?
Senior Designer – Anyone can do it. Even a crewed Vehicle.
Junior Designer – Why is the Pilot a Pilot then?
Senior Designer – Because we don’t do drivers in Magic. This is a fantasy card game.
Junior Designer – Isn’t there a Boss’s Chauffeur in New Capenna?
Senior Designer – It’s fine. We made sure that card has nothing to do with Vehicles in any way.
***
Assistant Designer – Hey boss, I was thinking: since we’re doing cycling, and this is a racing set, we could do some extremely cool motorcycles.
Head Designer – Way ahead of you.
Assistant Designer – Hahaha, that’s like a racing joke.
Head Designer – Many of the things I say are like jokes. Sometimes I write the flavour text.
Assistant Designer – Speaking of flavour, I think we should put cycling on all the motorcycles, get it?
Head Designer – What?
Assistant Designer – Cycling. On the Motorcycles. Like… Because…
Head Designer – (not getting it)
Assistant Designer – …They cycle. They are cycles. Cycles. Cycling? We could do a cycle of cycling cycles. Players would love that.
Head Designer – I’m… sorry… you lost me. We do what now?
Assistant Designer – Remember we made that Doctor Who card, Jo Grant where the character is known for riding a motorcycle, and we put it in the card art, and we also put some cycling abilities on the card?
Head Designer – Doctor who?
Assistant Designer – I looked through the designs and we have at least 3 Cycle vehicles and none of them have cycling!
Head Designer – Yes.
Assistant Designer – …
Head Designer – Did you see the poop car?
***
Senior Designer – …And finally we have this Beast Mount. Very good value.
Junior Designer – I know it’s a Beast, but what kind? Beast is pretty generic. You very specifically typed all the others…
Senior Designer – Some people draw the line at riding dogs and possums. That’s their limit.
Junior Designer – And?
Senior Designer – Not everybody wants to ride everything. We have to design cards for those people.
Junior Designer – So… You’re calling it a Beast because if you called it what it actually is, people would be freaked out? For people that would rather not know what they’re riding?
Senior Designer – (shrugs)
Junior Designer – So what’s Loot then? Beast Noble? What does that mean?
Senior Designer – The Aristocrats!
Thanks for reading!!
