Almost everyone who’s ever been involved in a Barigord Studios adventure has been passionate for gaming! We love board games, table games, video games, roleplaying games, and game shows! This post is best viewed on the home site with plug-ins.
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Hey gamers! Last week I wrote a parody column, where I made silly cards making fun of the greatest fails in video game history. Silly cards. Like this cringe-worthy Leisure Suit Larry card.
Wizards, determined to utterly dominate in the fields of silly cards and cringe, responded with this. This is a real Magic card.
I can hardly describe what I think about this image, except to say that it would belong in a Jurassic Park series reboot helmed by David Cronenberg.
I am however, a little curious at the discussions which led to the printing. Who the target demographic was. What specifically they thought was appealing about it.
Other than Jeff Goldblum being an alluring heap of man flesh. Right?
Otherwise they’re banking entirely on cringe value. “Putting the grrr in Tasigur!” “The flavour of this flavour text is regret!” “Sultai, more like Sultrai!” But that’s super immature, and not like WotC/Hasbro at all.
No, this is a celebration of men and male beauty. And it shouldn’t stop there. It is Movember, after all. In honour of men’s health, here’s the Secret Lair Drop we all need for the holidays: The Superhunks!!!
These six super-hot seduction specials are so saucy, you can leave the cranberries in the can this year!
Superhunk Superdrop
*Note: Two new mechanics have been created for this Superdrop, ‘Sultry’ and ‘Swoon’. They interact with each other.
Sultry will always have a numerical value (ex. Sultry 5). If a creature with Sultry attacks, its controller may choose a creature controlled by the defending player with a lower Sultry Value to block it. Creatures without a Sultry value are considered to have Sultry 0.
Swoon is tracked by the use of Swoon Counters. A creature with a Swoon Counter on it deals no damage (combat or otherwise) to any creature with Sultry 1 or greater.
Starting with the appetizer course is George Costanza, Posed. George is ready to hit the battlefield and show his softer, more sensitive side.
While he doesn’t have a Sultry value above 0 himself, he can help make your other Sultry creatures unstoppable. George is disturbed, he’s inadequate, and he’s legendary! He’s got it all!
Modal cards have a history of being strong in Magic: the Gathering, and Fabio, Rogue Pirate is no different! Having synergy with two of Magic’s moderately-supported creature types is no joke, not like getting hit in the face with a bird! Or wait, that was reality.
But if you’re here for Fabio, you’ve already left reality for high-concept genre fantasy, and a Sultry 6/4 Human Hunk is either the Rogue or Pirate you’ve been dreaming of!
Do you like creatures that Investigate? You know, make clue artifact tokens that can be sacrificed to draw a card? You know you should do that in private.
Naturally, Magnum, Day Off would tell you everything about Private Investigation, but he’s too busy waiting for you on the beach. He’ll stay there unless he’s needed to foil an Abduction, or there’s a Swoon that needs his vigilance. Then no-one is out of his reach, and he’ll strike first, then ask questions later. Did I mention he’s also about 6/4?
Something we can all appreciate about shirts is how much unnecessary fabric they have. The front and rear panels alone can be trimmed from a garrison’s budget, and instead, one can Ensemble the Legion with a single shirt’s worth of fabric.
Fabric conservationists as well as standard Hunks, the Chippendales will quickly build up a Sultry troupe of token humans in their signature black and white, overwhelming Swooned opponents and even providing you a sweet way to tap your other Hunks for value. Did I say ‘value’? What I really meant was ‘Group Rate’!
It’s every creature’s dream to be Sultry, from Craw Wurm to Etched Host Doombringer, and everything in between. It goes without saying that putting a foot or comparable appendage through the leg-hole of a premium pair of underwear is the ideal first step.
As a colourless land, made even more so by the shopping mall lighting, Premium Undergarments Boutique can go in any deck, providing comfort and support where you need it most.
No creature is more Sultry than when it finds its inner David Hasselhoff. The universal love for the star of Baywatch, Night Rider and The Roast of David Hasselhoff is near-universal, and represented here by every colour of mana in an Emerge cost that can turn any creature into The Quintessential Hoff!
You can’t cast The Quintessential Hoff by normal means, of course. You can’t just pay mana for the Hoff and expect him to show up… like some cheeseburger delivery running slowly up your driveway. Sacrifices must be made.
The result, like paying money to get the Hoff to show up, is a Tidal Wave of Sultry that will knock you down, and then you’ll get caught in the Undertow, and need rescue, and who knows? Mouth to mouth? That’s a silver lining, right? Where was I going with this? Surge foils? Sultry Merfolk deck?
Make sure the Hoff doesn’t just Emerge from your creatures, make sure that he Emerges from your loved one’s Christmas stocking, or provides a mystifying Emergence during the office gift exchange that results in an awkward conversation with HR in early January. They’re often called People and Culture now!
Conclusion
I probably enjoy making parody cards a little too much, but hopefully you got a laugh or two.
Make sure you support the men in your life. We might seem all Sultry in our Premium Undergarments and foam-rubber torsos (they’ll never know!) but we need to be loved and have our health taken seriously!
Thanks for reading!
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